UBU's BLUES or
THE FIRST VOYAGE OF THE VEHICLE R

 

"Across the foliated space of the twenty-seven equivalents, Faustroll conjured up into the third dimension:
From Beaudelaire...
From Bergerac...
From Luke...
From Rabelais...
From Ubu Roi, the fifth letter of the first word of the first act."


- Alfred Jarry's DOCTOR FAUSTROLL, PATAPHYSICIAN, chapter 7

Cast of Characters

UBU reincarnate, rotund, reclining or sitting throughout
DADA the fool, with goggles and a long pointed nose
PONTY the author
GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING a child of 7
VENUS the love element

 

SCENE I

UBU

Merdre!

DADA

Occult lore has it that man has (a) an astral body and (b) a physical body. Under certain conditions, they may separate, with the consciousness accompanying the astral body. We refer to this experience as astral projection. A silver cord is said to link the astral and the physical. Some even go so far as to say that if the cord is broken, death will result. Ubu, eternally at war with the reasonable, has been astrally projected on to this dream machine he will only know as the Vehicle R.

PONTY

(taps Ubu's forehead once)
Ubu!
(No response. Taps Ubu's forehead again)
Ubu!
(No response. Taps Ubu's forehead a third time)
Ubu!
(Ubu opens his eyes)

B is for...

UBU

Birch.
PONTY

Once there was a brave king...

UBU

...murdered in his bed by his trusted servant. A good king. A brave king.
(Thunderous knocking) My sword! My guards! My servants! We are not... We have to be... And you, sir, are not the least bit of assistance to our royal insubstantial self. The collège of 'pataphysique will hear about this, we assure you!

PONTY

(Opens door) Hello? Why... there's nothing below! Ubu!

UBU

What is it?

PONTY

Ubu... we're... on the air!

 

SCENE II

UBU

We were prepared to die at the end of October, November, nineteen hundred seven, the butler had done me in, in the worst way, in the fourth hour of the imperial day, in our bedchamber; I was accosting some faceless wench in our royal slumber, when this... this base parasite of our oriffice extended the garden shears to dismember this royal flesh.

DADA

The peritineal cavity is opened, and the point at which the stomach is to be incised decided upon.

UBU

He was determined to stick me to heaven.

DADA

The stomach is now opened by a transverse incision and the foreign body extracted.

UBU

Like a foreign wild boar, I roared (in a tiny voice) "Help me, help our person..." (growling) I will have revenge! I will not be ground up and served to swine, I have the divine right and left to live... I came not naked into this high oriffice!

DADA

The incision is commenced opposite the eighth intercoastal space, two inches from the median line, carried downward for three inches. Haha!

 

SCENE III

Ubu, at the foot of Venus.

UBU

Aroma of Roma, hyacinth! A wreath for the dead. Who cares for Ubu, now that he's dead? The filthy poverty of it all! Alfred, they will have your blood! Foul stench! Embalm poor Ubu, will they? Where have all the flowers gone? Sweet Venus, is that you?

VENUS

Orientals are more than usually sensitive to the offensive smells of their climate, Ubu. I am at the bottom of a narrow well... well, looking up. I reach out to the sides and I can touch the two sides; a slippery wet wall on my left, a dry rock wall on my right.

UBU

The river Styx.

VENUS

A thick liquid oozes down my arm, warm, like blood, Ubu.

UBU

I am a fossil of life, no more.

VENUS

It's oozing down my leg now, feel it. Warm blood of flesh... desire.

UBU

A great invention, life.

 

SCENE IV

DADA

I see myself in you,
going up, going down,
I am rushing to the head,
I am russian to the toe.
I go one step up,
I go one step down;
if you think different,
watch this frown.

Ubu, you... be... you?

UBU

I must be sick in death to see such awful visions. Busy, busy, burdens on our backs, bonnets on bonnies, babes in babels, baggage, banged like the woman of Bath, badgered on the balcony of crime, baked bacteria.

DADA

Bad man!

UBU

Backsliding mortal bowels of men, a baroque brigade, we...

DADA

(wheezing) Weeeee...

UBU

... marching, marching, then, there! a barricade! We...

DADA

(wheezing) Weeeee...

UBU

... the barbed barbarians! We...

DADA

(wheezing) Weeeee...

UBU

... base batch for a battle, burning inside our brains for blood. Burning thirst for blood! We...
DADA

(wheezing) Weeeee...

UBU

... bent over bodies, charcoal flesh, a feast for the beasts - my head is like a billiard ball... potted. Beggary! We...

DADA

(wheezing) Weeeee...

UBU

... we beggar army, our bellies full of snow, brother eats brother... Bells! Bells! Bells! Beware of bells, clown. The skies blacken, the voices of sheep bleating baa-baa, poor bastards, blindfolded from birth, poor bastards, one brief peek at beauty, then... BAM! Blown to bits! Boils! Body-snatcher, what boredom are we now subjected to?

DADA

A bouncing box, a bottomless well, a brave deed, indeed. Ubu, if you be you, you'd be better off... And now, it's time to explode a myth, unearth the truth, drive home a point, flush out the little rascal, expose, spell out, elucidate and unravel the mystery...

There once was a once-was that was once,
a once-was that was once a was-once,
when was-once that once
that once-was that once
that once was a was-once once twice.

 

SCENE V

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

Stop! Nancy says it's not all right! (draws his sword) Nancy says it's not all right, and that is that!

DADA

He calls after her: I'm on my enemy's heels, I've caught him, I've caught myself in the act, I can't remember, I won't be held responsible, I won't be held! Hell! Just a couple of a more days, a few weeks was all I needed, and her bedroom manner... can I get you this, can I get up for just one minute... One thing has nothing to do with the other, what was once that life is this life, what was once that death is now this death. I would have given you the shirt off my back, back then, it wasn't so easy. I don't care what you say, you can give it to me or give it to your country. You have a wife who calls your name, then coughs herself to sleep, to dream of dolls, immutables, a kerchief, an arm on the bus, beep beep, boopety boop, boppety bop, hopscotch here from 1 to 3 then 2 to 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Then back again, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

Blastoff! Hubert Edmund Blastoff, octogenarian, subject to falls and a rarely heard scream, in desperation denies home, family, material gain, poetry of substance, comings and goings, eat, sleep, swim, dream...

DADA

Skin team, eat, sleep, weep. First you weep, then you reap. Where do you belong? Belong in coming and going. Father of fear of fear itself, who inspireth in us to fear the next turn around the corner in us, inspireth dreams in us to be there, not be there. It's all a bunch of rubbish, trash. It's all a bunch of roses, she laughed and laughed, kissed away her education with a flip of a coin, o how we laughed on the night we woke up to mice in the field where once we had run. Where once we toiled the soil, we now soil the oil. We sow discontent among the simple folk. Their mouths are watering, they eyes are burning with both hate and love, half wanting to just get on with it, line it up, shoot it down, so the blood is the colour of the roses in her cheek, the darling... six years old and a smile to win a war.

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

Love and money, that's what it's all about, kissing, drinking, taking it off the wall, putting it back again, peeling eggs and potatoes, being true to one, not the other.

DADA

That's a dog of an idea, General. Now, who goes first? Who gets to the smooth skin of things...

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

(To the tune of Mickey Mouse...) U-B-U, U-B-U, U-B-U-B-U.

DADA

Eggs and potatoes? Onions and pears? This man's life is in question, or should we say, the degree to which his life is in question has never been satisfactorily answered.

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

I think you are making sense, Dada. A few cents here, a few cents there, it all adds up, Dada.

DADA

What do you know?

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

I was on an island, surrounded by wild animals, tigers, bears, lions, snakes. A dinosaur or two. Birds with wings as long as rivers, necks thick like trees. But I was not alone.

 

SCENE VI

PONTY

Well, this is it.

VENUS

What is it?

DADA

Is what? Is what?

PONTY

Nancy says it just won't do, the whole thing is off. There's no money for us to get paid for what we do, the whole thing has turned her off, she says everyone to just go one home and forget it.

DADA

What do you mean, forget it?

PONTY

Ubu has to go back in the book. That's all. Enough play.

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

What do you mean, enough play? The sunlamp...

UBU

We did not find you entertaining in the least. Your sal-on manners leave nothing to the imagination and, really, what the good lord intended for us to have, he gave, and plentifully.

DADA

Isn't that blue-tiful?

VENUS

Who cares for Ubu, now that he's dead?

GENERAL MISUNDERSTANDING

Consult the alphabet, dear. If I'm not mistaken, it's a miniature. The souls of these men have gone into dolls, no return bottles.

VENUS

A message in the bottle floating through the sea of time: My dearest love...

DADA

STOP!

VENUS

Dearest love, will you...

DADA

STOP!

VENUS

My dearest angels, lay your heads on my feet, you shall be comforted, and plentifully.

DADA

Alfred Jarry was born in two different cities. The letter which attests to this fact is the letter R. Alfredo invents a myth while drinking wine. The symbol: a rose by any other name should begin with the letter R. Hung by the neck till he was dead. Till he was dead, till he fell down dead. Till he was dead, till he felldowndead.

PONTY

If I struck his head three times, I struck it a hundred times. No sign. No sign of life there at all. His body was... deserted. I called out, UBU! like that, three times each time. But it was like talking to a wall... through a wall.

The End